This is Me!

Where to begin... 

When I think back to when I was a child, I think of freedom; I think of the way I felt care free, I felt joy in helping others. I seemed to have the ability to see people in their hurt and I would stick by them and try to comfort them the best I knew how. One of my teachers said it was like I had radar. Whenever someone was in distress, or even just dropped a pencil, I would zone-in on them, trying to help out, often to the detriment of my school work! Most of all, I remember laughter; laughter so contagious I wouldn't be able to stop until my stomach just couldn't take it anymore. Sometimes I would even laugh until I peed. 

Growing up I loved the Lord and accepted Jesus into my heart around the age of 8, at which time I was baptized. I even made all 4 of my siblings and my parents stand in the pool with me. I knew Jesus' love for me and felt a strong compassion for those around me. Somewhere along the line, deep insecurities started to enter my mind, rooted around my ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). In school I was embarrassed because the teachers would lessen my work load or make me sit in the back of class so I wouldn't distract the other kids.  These experiences led to a deep-rooted shame that caused me to become very shy and quiet, the exact opposite of who I was. I started to compare myself to others and wished that I could be someone else or that I were never born.  I began walking in the shame and insecurity that followed me for most of my life.   

I entered high school which wasn't that great a time for me. I began to hate who I was and to push Jesus out of my center. I felt stuck and hopeless.   Full of self-hatred, I turned to drugs and alcohol and struggled with my sexual identity. I rarely acknowledged God and wanted out of my life.  The summer before my senior year, I went on a trip to Nicaragua through a cultural exchange program called “Amigos de las Americas.” It was truly an amazing time that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I was part of a family and a culture that was truly happy, and their happiness was based solely on relationships, not belongings.  But when I went to Nicaragua, I wasn’t in the best place emotionally. I wanted happiness, I wanted to escape my problems,  but when I came back, my problems found me. I felt as though I was watching my life slip through my fingers. I was dead in my lifestyle of lying, stealing and cheating. I saw my relationship with my parents and family deeply damaged. I figured God was there but had no love for me because I was so messed up. I was heartbroken because I knew my life was good. I was fortunate, and my family was amazing, but I didn’t deserve it. I screwed it all up. I felt disgusted with who I was. I felt unwanted and unworthy of anyone's love and it was all my fault.  Despairing, I became suicidal. I soon found out that even in the midst of all that God still loved me, and desired to have a personal relationship with me.

I remember clearly the night that God grabbed hold of my torn, broken heart. It was a couple of weeks after I seriously desired to take my own life. I was sound asleep when all of a sudden I woke up choking on my tears and my heart was desperately crying for help. I went to my mom and asked her to pray with me. I knew I had abandoned my Savior. At that moment, I knew that if I didn’t have God it wasn’t worth it. I wanted to die if I couldn’t have him. I can’t really say exactly what transpired to bring me out of the dark place I was in, except the Holy Spirit came. He woke me up. He knew the pain I was in and he felt it even more than I  did. He called me back to a life with him, with Jesus at the center of my being.  One thing I will note about this time is my family. They were there for me, even when I wasn’t there for them or myself. Their belief in me gave me confidence. They really showed me unconditional love despite the struggles I had. 

It was the end of my senior year, and I knew that going straight to college would not benefit me or my faith.  I was working through some of the "stuff" that was weighing me down, but I was still very broken. I felt like I was in the middle of a big game of tug-of-war between a life of shame, drugs and pain and a life of hope, reconciliation, and Jesus.  I wanted to put myself in a place where I could solely focus on God, so I started looking into different gap-year options with my mom. We looked into Youth With A Mission (YWAM) and the different discipleship training schools they had.  I thought about how during all my struggles music and worship really helped me feel joy and brought me closer to God, so I chose to do a worship focused DTS (Discipleship Training School) with YWAM in New Zealand. Before I left, God began an amazing work in my heart. Whereas before I shut myself off to people at church, now I started to get involved with church and met so many amazing people who helped me to grow. God showed me how powerful it is to choose Him. He changed my state of mind. I was still dealing with many insecurities, but rather than running away from my problems or ignoring them I chose to work through them. 

In DTS my faith grew stronger. Through repentance and God's grace, I felt God's love again. After the second week I experienced how God moves in miraculous ways: I was set free of all the pain of my past and began to encounter the Holy Spirit every single day. God restored love and joy in my heart. To this day I no longer struggle with self-hate and depression! Once I completed the lecture phase of the DTS we went on a two month outreach to South Korea and other parts of Asia. Our team shared the hope of Christ through evangelism, music and prayer We saw physical healings and multiple people come to know Christ!  I am still in awe of how God moves in miraculous ways and am still stunned by the power and significance of the Gospel. It was during this time God called me to missions.

Since my DTS I have completed a 9-month School of Biblical Studies (SBS) at the YWAM base in Montana. In SBS I studied through the bible 5 times, in depth, giving me a strong foundation to my faith and my missions call (another minor miracle for this ADD kid who didn't study two hours in a row in high school!). SBS fostered my hunger for the word and my desire to know more of God. Now I get the privilege of being on staff with the Discipleship Training School to train and mentor young people in their walk with God. I have had the privilege of staffing a DTS this past fall and leading a team to another part of Asia. It was amazing to be able to take part in what God is doing in other people's lives! I am passionate about seeing people learn to know God’s voice, discover biblical truth, and learn to walk in their gifts. I love seeing students grow in boldness as we strive to share the gospel with all people. I believe that God can grab a hold of young peoples’ lives and use them for His kingdom's purposes. I have seen it happen so many times! What an amazing God we Serve!

God is so faithful even though we are such broken people. By no means is my life perfect now that I am walking with the Lord. It is actually very stretching and extremely challenging. I don't always feel passionate all of the time and God is still teaching me more about his forgiveness and grace. Without the grace of God I would have quit long ago, BUT HE IS FAITHFUL! Something that will never cease to amaze me is that He laid down his life and sacrificed himself for our our redemption. It is jaw-dropping that he calls us blameless and sees us as his chosen children! He always keeps his promises and He is always good, no matter our circumstances!